I start posts constantly, but never finish them because I am waiting, searching for perfection. Funny how it constantly scurries off before I find it. Today, I will write and hit publish.
I am grateful. Those words seem simple and easy. We use them all the time. However, I am not sure we (or at least I) think or truly mean them.
Twice yesterday I was struck with the absolute realisation that I am grateful and that gratefulness had given back to me something I was missing. The circumstances are important but the specifics are not. My new job, new career has given to me skills, teachers and more. My co-workers are amazing. Their families are fantastic and I am beginning to feel slightly more whole. I have a (tiny) bit of confidence, that is constantly shot down, but it’s there! I feel fortunate and simply grateful. It struck me in a moment yesterday how I felt. And there was no guilt involved.
Then later on in the day I went for a mani/pedi (which I usually hate spending the time doing). I had no other plans, nothing pressing, no one waiting for me. As usual, I noticed everything around, sensory overload, the brain clicking away as it does for me. My pedicurist I thought was a bit slow and soft, but he also had a tattoo that I just couldn’t quite see or figure out. I was intriugued. Before I was finished, of course I opened up my curious mouth to ask 20 questions about him and yep, the tattoo! He chuckled a bit and said it was him…or what he thought he was in an earlier lifetime. The time I spent wondering about this man’s arm and this particular tattoo (he pretty much had two sleeves) put me through quite a few emotions. I felt intrigue, curiousity, wonder, fear, patriotism, political conviction and finally peace and possibly a vision of epiphany (his, not mine). I also saw and felt his slow and soft was simply gentle and a matter of him staying in the moment, taking the time to be completely present.
We all have a vision of who and what we think ourselves to be. Sometimes we choose to believe it is a forever us. Is it? Most likely not. However, I know I could not have told younger self all I would go through. I know I would make all the same choices, some may say mistakes. For me they are who I am. The good, the bad, and everything in between led me to who I am today – imperfect and really, truly grateful.
I appreciate things I didn’t realise and too many to thank or recognise. I’ve tried to be mindful of my appreciation in the past 6 years especially. I’ve done the journal thing (didn’t work). I’m not sure exactly how or what switched on or off yesterday, but it did. I am so grateful and it is sincere. It really comes down to “thank you,” two far more powerful words than most of us realise.