vulnerable shame

I have spent days attempting to look at every aspect of how to use WordPress. From obtaining a domain to setting up the pages, and OH! the pages versus the posts, my head is wrecked. Just to get away from it today I watched a separate video and made my first TikTok. Needless to say, it is rather unimpressive. But hell, it was a diversion. Making a website has taken more time with less success than I had hoped. The minutiae takes me to a different place, one that I wish had some tranquillizers to ease the frustration. (Or maybe some kids who can do the programming for me.) It would be great if I could sit down, write and push a publish button, but, NOooooo. On top of all that, my perfectionism is like an rhino on my chest. So, if you made it this far…so have I.

Do you see that picture of me on this page? That’s me walking over a rope bridge that dangles between two serious rock faces jutting out into the North Atlantic. The drop is close to 100 feet (30 meters). I am terrified of heights, but consistently attempt to keep challenging that fear. I made it across the rope bridge only to find that if I wanted to get home I had to walk back across it. Who the hell thought of that? Additionally, I undertook this feat in a shitstorm of emotions and events in my life. (Inevitably I’ll address that, but for today just leave it.) Honestly, it is one of those pictures you keep around to dig out when you truly feel like crap and need help saying, “Yeah, I did that!”

While I am most definitely afraid of heights, there is little else I would say I fear (aside from everything to some degree). I find that many things age and wisdom has led people to think better of – escapes me. My inhibitions are less than most peoples, and I fully believe that an opportunity not take is a risk to optimal potential. This is not to say I go looking for danger, I do not. If I want something or want to do something, I do it. The obstacles between me (usually my mind) and the goal are irrelevant. No one is going to live your life for you and in the end we all only answer to one person, ourselves.

For the record, this is not always the most sound advice. However, I’ve done some pretty awesome shit over my life. I am grateful for all the opportunities and the support I have had. I know I am fortunate. There is no “but” or “however” to go along with that statement. There is a caveat that I am omitting because I am afraid and ashamed about it. It’s something I’ve known for about 6 years, and still don’t know how to compartmentalize it in my own mind. Mostly because as much as it scares me, it is likely the thing that enables and motivates me. I have (not ‘am’) manic depressive (bipolar) disorder.

Now, depending on your age, gender, generation, nation, and a million other things, you either left this page or decided to read more. I too, am that judgemental (mostly about myself). Since getting diagnosed my compassion and understanding for anyone else with a mental health disability has grown exponentially. Self-acceptance is not forthcoming. My compassion and understanding for myself has only added layers to existing callousness. I don’t say that for sympathy. It’s just true. I don’t take it easy on myself. There ain’t no rest for the wicked. (Thank you, Cage the Elephant ) Hard on myself is a slight understatement. I am under constant personal review (if not attack) which usually leads to self-flagulation (not kidding, look at my resume). In the end, such self-criticism takes a toll that prompts an event, which for me inevitably leads to shame. While this a+b=c structure is clear, what I have come to know is the event often occurs when I am not quite in my own mind. There is a disconnect that comes from a fear I didn’t know I had, nor did I know I existed.

You might be thinking at this point, “that’s okay, just stay aware, track any fluctuations.” I do. But I have yet to find or determine a pattern/situation that triggers me. When it is your mind that you need to watch you, yet your mind is the thing that goes all haywire, trust becomes an issue. You know how they say not to trust someone who has crossed you, how do you untrust yourself?

Before I get too dark, I decided to start writing in a public forum to open up and fight my demons. It may likely backfire. In addition to the opportunities that life has offered me I have also met some good friends. (And I’ve lost many too.) For years they have said I should write a book. My ability to separate the static among the voice in my mind has slipped away and I have little semblance to stay on topic, but I always come back to the start in a conversation. So, this is my attempt to quell my stream of consciousness writing into bite size pieces and assemble concise thoughts that might end up in another form. I’m going to open up and let the fear course through my veins.

I am a pretty incredible woman who believes that conquering fear is the only option. I should also mention that I am sarcastic and think in a round about method. Often my commentary is flip and seemingly insensitive. Please know I am just extending myself with honesty, not hate or judgement (for others). I’m settling into some truly unknown territory attempting to write. I’m ashamed of much, embarassed by more but willing to be openly vulnerable letting my fear escape as I dive down into the abyss the only way I know how.